Conversations – The Hub Queen of Narcissism, Part 1/2
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Dedicated to
- Jay
- all my friends on HP;
- all my friends;
- all the people who made a difference in my life (hint: everybody I have met even if briefly);
- my family;
- my enemies;
- people I like;
- people I dislike;
- people I love;
- the Universe.
I joined HP on January 1st, 2011
The reason I joined HubPages was very simple – it was the right time. I wanted to write and HubPages gave me an opportunity to publish my writings. I was not very successful at first, meaning nobody actually read anything I wrote, but then I met some people, we became friends and even though I tried to quit writing a few times, it were my friends who prevented me from doing so.
The first person who encouraged me to stay was Ian Clark (Twilight Lawns). Then came Nellieanna Hay, then Mike (mckbirdbks, Miguel Alvarez), then Augustine Zavala and Sunnie Day. Mr. Happy is a separate story. Then Maja Dezulovic and Writeronline.
I hate bundling everybody together. Augustine told me that he had his favourites, but he would not make it public which made perfect sense. The same goes for Twilight Lawns. I think the same goes for everyone.
Note: I met Martie later, this hub was written .... ? there is no date on it, but after El Congreso, maybe early November 2011.
There was time when I was in love with being in love, but there was a man whose image I attached to my longings. He was asking me to … and I said I would hate being compared to other women. I would hate to turn out to be a disappointment for him. In other words, I was simply afraid of not being good enough. It did matter to me then, … But I will never forget what he said:
“There is no comparison. Everybody is different.”
He was right. It is not about favouritism. It is about being yourself; it is about being different and accepting it.
Am I good enough? For what? For whom?
To me, it is even more painful question than “Am I Beautiful?”
Surfacing
I kept writing about finding myself, creating myself, visions… I got stuck, I stopped, and I started writing “fiction” and “tributes”, but then came “erotica”… Erotica?
No, the path does not matter. The destination does. Now it is tango and love. Love for Tango? Tango of Love?
Mike asked me to write about tango because it is more me than any fiction, names, men, erotica and God knows what. But
Every time I started a little something about dancing, tango and El Congreso, I was coming back to :
This is me.
This is what I am.
This is who I am.
I am a force to be reckoned with.
~Twilight Lawns
I was coming back to my “Creating Myself” struggle that I abandoned in July. Now, it is time to get it over with. I did write a lot of drafts, but the problem was that they needed time to mature. I had to write them and leave them. But I wrote so many comments and those comments are the real treasure.
They don’t need any polishing. They are like diamonds – the only thing they need is
LIGHT.
That is why when I come back to my comments or conversations, I feel like I get reconnected with myself. I have said it before. “Large objects can only be seen from the distance.” The distance? Two months ago I had a conversation with Writeronline.
If you don’t know him and/or did not read his work, I recommend doing so. He is an amazing writer.
- Creating a Vision - Transformational Power of Writing
Writing has a tremendous power of transforming lives. To write you need to come to terms with your creativity and imagination. To understand what you have written, however, you need patience.
You don't have to, but maybe it is a good idea
to read "Transformational Power of Writing" before reading the second part of this hub - the actual conversation.
I was told that I did not have to write.
Bollocks! I do. I do have to write, I do have to read and write and read comments. Again and again.
That is how I found myself. Looking in others and seeing myself. For the first time in my life.
- 1 min reading: the world as a mirror — Paulo Coelho's Blog
The alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, a youth who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which
- Understanding, Identifying, and Coping With Narcissistic Personalities
The term 'narcissistic' comes from the myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water, and could not tear himself away. This characteristic of the Narcissistic Personality is an oversimplification...
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Enjoyed this very much love the images they relate well to the message your imparting. Voted up!
Thank you, Skiffer - I think you got my MOST IMPORTANT point
those sentences are INCOMPLETE.
I am not good enough for my mother. Fine by me.
I am good enough for myself. I accept.
What?
1. I accept her rejection.
2. I accept myself as I am.
Now I feel much happier than a year ago.
Only because I have courage to write in public, I had curiosity to ask the questions and perseverance to find answers.
Now, on to the Windmills!!!
Again?
Thank you, barryrutherford,
but the main point will be
1. Read "Transformational Power of Writing"
2. Writeronline's response - that will be Part 2
3. My "all over the place" ramblings about "Beauty"
my best article - a hit, in fact.
Ok, back to reality.
Every time you write with self-acceptance, like this, you are so wise, lovely, whole & so good!
When you've been in limbo - or worse - the writing which emerges is valuable, but it's writing like this is which is deeply satisfying to me as your reader, and - I suspect - to you as the writer. You are such a PERSON! I love it.
Anyway. I couldn't wish a happier new year and HP anniversary for you than this one which has been launched. Hugs, my dear friend.
I'm sure each of us has discovered special relationships among our HP associates. I know I have. Whether or not we'd felt a need for something - these spontaneous relationships here are so precious and gratifying. They're nothing we could order-up, but when they happen, wow.
Nellieanna
Dear Nellieanna - thank you for your words. Limbo might be eternal - because this piece & peace was written two months ago - now is another growth spurt and it hurts as hell.
And I feel so alone, even though I am not.
There are friends and especially HP Friends.
I have been told that I have to find "REAL" FRIEINDS, not online ones, because everything that is online is only "50%",
but without this online transformation - my "birth" would be impossible.
But you know all this.
I am in excruciating pain and that is why this hub made to publication without any revisions.
When I have a gut feeling "let this one go" - I do it.
Perfect, not perfect...
I know it is far from perfection, but it is a stepping stone.
I am crawling out of this nightmare, but I am moving.
Thank you for reading, thank you for listening, thank you for being.
Off to use a pool - some trance like swimming ... might do me some good.
And the hub of the Year is "Some recipe - How to cook Perfect Personality!!!"
I have to wonder how such a percentage was calculated for "everything online"! What 'everything'? Oh, well, I understand that such a comment could only arise from someone with scant knowledge of ANYthing online, much less everything. What amused (and dismayed) me about it is the exactitude of a specific percentage of something with no substance: everything online. "Online" includes games, political opinions, marketing, gossip, advice, information, social interaction, etc etc.
Anyway - that comment is not really important. What is important is your own experience of what you seek & find online. Since most of "reality" anywhere is one's subjective perception of it, this is as real as most things we encounter and experience.
And writers have a reality and perception of reality which non-writers lack. Just having a venue to explore one's own very real, if non-material, feelings which shape our lives and to express our values and aspirations is a privilege which non-verbal folks miss and have no way of judging or realizing. It's just one of those facts of life. No two people can really fully understand the subjective experiences of each other, and the more depth and breadth of one's experience, which writing enhances, the less likely that it will be fully understood by anyone else, especially those whose experiences lack that dimension.
I've been online now for 14 years and those who have no experience with it have sometimes been critical and have just "known" it was a waste of time.
As for friends, I'm not and don't want to be aggressive in pursuit of friends, "real" or online. These are relationships which arise spontaneously, a response to a kind of rapport or 'fit' of persons. When it does arise it is a treasure. If it doesn't, it's not a reflection on the people involved. It just doesn't happen. So the ides of "finding" friends as a "must do" is an interesting premise. One can arrange to be where people are and perhaps friendships will develop, but online or offline, they may or may not. One thing about online is that the amount of people here is greater than in any one area, usually, so the likelihood is possibly greater.
In fact, many folks in real life don't know their next-door neighbors, or not as well as you and I and so many others here in HP know each other. So physical proximity is no guarantee.
Forgive me for latching onto that comment that "everything that is online is only 50%" - but it struck me so much as a probable comment given to you to discredit or discourage what you've chosen and found to be of some value to you in your quest to, as you describe it, "crawl out of a nightmare". If you are moving, as you say - that is the significant measurement to note, as you do. Distractors are always ready to discourage if one allows them to. Don't!
You're not alone in getting uninformed advice from people who really probably don't know anything about the internet experience, and possibly, even less about the person you are. They may sense their loss of power or influence over you and just try harder to hang on to it.
Forgive me if I interfere. Nice thing about online - it's so easy to switch it off. haha!
But just hang in there, my friend! You've got much living to do!
Dear Nellieanna - you know...
you know...
the Universe has this trait - we meet each other when it allowed us, when it arranges it and depending on our vision when we are ready.
I just thought today - in Russian when we say "What do you mean?" - one of the ways to say it is - "What do you have in vision? What do you see in front of you?" Kind of strange from the linguistic point of view, but it is all about vision.
Yes, I do feel that I need "100%" Real friends that can come - NoW and be with me physically -
but it does not mean that i have to abandon my online friendships.
It did strike me as well "50%" friends...
Not all writers are created equal, not all of them (minority, if fact) realize what a treasure writing is - it is a way to understanding and uncovering ourselves.
Discovering?
I don't know.
Yes, I recognize that I merely experience a growth moment and I overgrow my old connections. It is painful for everybody, but it is inevitable.
When a child grows in the womb - at some point he/she simply has to leave...
one way or the other...
natural way
"cut it out" way
a child dies way
a mother dies way
but it can no longer be there.
But pain is pain and it is excruciating ...
Just imagine me going into labour (giving birth to myself) and all my loved ones telling me
"What are you talking about? What pain? It is an illusion. You are not even pregnant."
I am screaming from pain and they tell me to behave.
Of course, they know better.
Everybody around me knows better.
You are right - the right connection will happen when it will happen.
But I do strongly believe that the connection might happen and it might be uncovered or discovered right under my nose. Maybe in my very building.
I do believe in it and i will work on that project. After all, I will be doing business in Toronto with people who live here.
I thrive on the real face-to-face contacts.
I do appreciate meeting all of my HP friends and, you, especially, because I know that your wisdom is the Wisdom of the Universe.
I am not yet abandoning this path... This path of discovery. The path of writing, the path of screaming, writing, discussing in public... sharing my pains and findings.
I know I will do much better this year.
From the position of Pain to the Position of Power.
Per aspera ad astra.
Thank you, my friend and no, even knowing my number, I am not assigning any percentage for friendships.
A friend is a friend and a true friend is a friend forever.
Hi Kallini -
yes, I have turned my back on my mother as well. It hurts, but was necessary for my own self preservation. I don't ask if I can come to holiday dinners - she says that disgraces to the family are never welcome at her table. She refers to me an unproductive member of society. I am the only person in the family who has a mortgage on their house - how embarrassing. *sigh*
Wishing you all the best with your healing
Finally. Just write what you feel. It will always work for you, others can decipher and digest what they want or need.
Hi, Skiffer -
You know, (well, maybe you do, maybe you don't)
it is a process, first you assert yourself and then you make amends.
Some people never get to the point of asserting themselves.
Some people assert themselves but they do not know how to make amends.
I have to say - that I do not feel that I love my mother. She did too much damage and, yes, I can forgive and forget, but for some reason
I do not feel love.
And if some people wish to throw anything at me for that
1. Stones,
2. Rotten eggs
3. Rotten tomatoes
they might, i will try to dodge, but I doubt it will make want to love.
Love is ...
Love is ...
Love is a challenge.
I am not aiming for love this year, I aiming for making money.
My mother disrespects me for this - my inability to cash my Wonderfulness. Because she sees no money she does not believe in me.
And she never did.
Which is fine. I was looking in a wrong mirror. That is all. I am changing my Mirror House.
Good luck to you, too and I suggest you stick around to read what writer online actually said about Thinking, Writing,
whether it is an act, an art and what comes first,
thinking or writing?
And my response is tied in with some Beauty.
AAZ, I always write what I think and what I feel.
I am not writing for others.
I don't have their minds... I am not a mind reader...
I am navigating my own course. It is hard enough, but finally I can see that Light.
I feel that I have done well.
Am I good/beautiful enough? For what? For whom? (Of course you want to be good and beautiful for your mother..... don’t try to deny this! But this is a another conversation)
You are so right: “Not all writers are created equal, not all of them.... realize what treasure writing is - it is a way to understanding and uncovering ourselves.”
Re: “... looking in a wrong mirror....”
We are indeed each others mirrors – but not perfect mirrors. DON’T look at yourself in a crooked mirror! I would reduce contact to the absolute minimum and most essential. I would even move away... as far as possible.
Rejection by a mother IS NOT a ‘phenomenon’ one can ever accept with peace in his mind. (Ask me, I know, although my story is not the same as yours.) One merely learns how to live with it, like one learns how to live with an ulcer in his stomach.
Anger is the result of pain - you will forever be angry because you have been rejected by the ONE who had given birth to you.
So instead of wasting time with the cause of your anger, why not focus on anger (for a while). There are 100’s ways to deal with anger... to live with anger... to control it....
So let me say ciau for now. It is 12:34am and I have to hit the bed.
If you get the time, please read this hub of mine – it may give you another perspective to consider -
http://martiecoetser.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-know-
Beautiful pictures you have in here!
I've been scurrying around tying up loose ends of tooly stuff, like trying to find out if I can get some expert to try to salvage my data off the old desktop hard disk that was replaced barely under warranty. (ran out Jan. 2nd) I must return the old one to Dell this week. So I discovered that anyone who might do it, would take several days and maybe weeks if they have to send it off to their lab. Heck. I figure that, even if I had time, which I obviously do not, more people would be handling it and snooping (if anyone cared) than if I just send it back to Dell for recycling or whatever they do with it. Most of the stuff on it is of little importance anyway. So tomorrow I take it to Fed Ex and send it on is merry way. That's just one of the tiresome details I've been into, many involving 3 computers which have had problems. I'm finally back on my Mac. Hooray.
Somehow these kinds of issues dull one's acute awareness of real issues such as rebirthing oneself. But, of course, we do that all the time if we are aware and sensitive souls. I read a book years ago titled "Your Inner Child Of The Past" in which the author urged the reader to become a better parent to him/herself than the real ones were. Even if one had pretty good parents, there is always both a generation gap and, quite simply, a subjective gap involved. I know my parents loved me and liked me, but I doubt they ever even remotely KNEW me. In fact, looking back, as well as around now - I wonder if anyone really has ever KNOWN me. What people do is 'know' what THEY know or think they know ABOUT another person. It's always 'way OFF, but we learn to appreciate those whose recognition is sort of accurate and truly well-meaning. And we learn to ignore those whose misconceptions are too bound up with their own issues to even come close.
My over-done efforts at times to explain clearly are not to convince or get agreement, but are simply to explain whatever it is as closely and as well as I am able, so that whether it does or doesn't convince or get agreement, the other person at least has an inkling with what i really IS that they do or don't 'buy into' or agree. But I realize more and more that many folks first of all, can't begin to make the jump even to hearing accurately and then, if they do hear, to accurately process and consider the input clearly and fairly objectively. So I'm becoming more and more aware that it is basically futile to expect to be clearly understood! And -- wow -- I'm starting to rather enjoy the freedom that affords! Knowing going in that we each exist in something of a closed bubble makes it all sort of like those bumper cars at the amusement park. It's no more essential to take it too seriously than that! We can steer as well as possible (or desirable), absorb the bumps and crashes from the other cars and actually be amused about it. Above all, we need not allow it to crush or undermine our own clear vision - or murky - whatever it is wherever we are in our growth and enlightenment at the time - - and simply keep on keeping' on. It does work out if we learn the nature of the thing and flows with it rather than against it. The result is becoming truly a "free spirit". FREE is the key word.
I'm glad you're true to yourself, Sveltlana. It may be difficult, but you're just not a 2 or 3 or even a 4-dimensional being. But it's your own satisfaction to be found, not everyone else's 'in you'. Know that you don't have to meet others' expectations. Your mother is from another time and place. Take it with a grain of salt. It's not being disloyal or ungrateful. You're just doing the job yourself which she may have missed. Hugs.
I love the expression throughout the piece, and as always appreciate the links to your other hubs. I will be reading all of them.
You are a true radiant self illuminating spirit I gather a sense of piece when I read any of your work.
P.S. I own your book, I didn't realize it was you due to the author name. You don't know how much it has carried my tampered mind in the valley of life. So thank you.
Love the hub and the wonderful images. :) Happy Anniversary.
Dear Martie - I agree - yes, there is no doubt, there is no argument that I want to be accepted by my mother for who I am (even if I am the Hub Queen of Narcissism, which i am not).
But she is not interested in who I am, therefore she does not know who I am. She is only interested in... God knows what. She does not know herself either.
I am fine with that. I am not fine, though, with the prison of a home where I live - with my parents who never learned the Art of Communication and Acceptance. There is no peace here.
I did not read your hub, I am sorry, I apologize - I put my first priority as
1. Discipline and Time Management. I am terrible with it, so I will be setting my goals and trying to achieve them.
I will not even publish anything new until I answer all this back log of comments I have.
Have a colourful day,
A day full of images - the ones that YOU like, the ones that YOU LOVE.
See you soon, my dear Eagless!
Dear Nellieanna - I agree with you. In fact, I realized on my own how futile my efforts were as a writer to explain anything.
So, I am trying to express myself so when I read ...
Stop-over here.
I ... in Russian "I" is never capitalized unless the word is at the beginning of a sentence...
(whereas in German all nouns are capitalized... hmm... interesting... nouns, but not pronouns
example: i am writing a Comment)
when i read... when i read what i wrote before i try to understand myself.
Really, maybe it is the only purpose for my writing - to preserve my thoughts, give it some distance and see them later - and learn about myself.
Your comment is a JEWEL, it is worth framing and showcasing -
yes, we are talking about FREEDOM, i am completely and totally free of any understanding, anywhere.
I stopped seeking it, i am seeking truth and my path...
and you always appear when i need you and your words the most.
Sometimes I think - Nellieanna has disappeared again into the Pool of Detachment just like my Italian Friend (Aquarius, when you told me "Svetlana, relax and forget, he is not for YOU),
but i realize more and more with each passing day - it is all going the way it SHOULD. You and he appear and disappear according to the Vibrations of the Universe, according to the SCRIPT of this One Song (UNI Verse = One Song)...
and I love you both and I know and I BELIEVE
you and I and he we all have PERFECT relationship/s
it is not about understanding.
it is all about being
being in each other's life
being in tune
being on beat
being in love
being
being
being on EARTH
and beyond
transcending
You, my dear Friend Nellieanna and let me call him Frangelico (for now), both Water Bearers
are here all ahead of us greeting the New Age
AQUARIAN
i always surrender to your wisdom
Dear jenubouka, what book do you mean?
I have not written any books. Not yet, anyways.
But I appreciate your feedback, honestly and truly.
I plan to write more - as soon as I can organize my time and efforts.
You are an inspiration for me, a reader that makes me want to continue writing!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Thank you, Denise Handlon, for your comment.
I hope you realize I did not take those images. Someone was blaming me in plagiarism, but there is no claim that those images are mine, i always thought it was obvious that I took what was floating in abundance on the internet.
I wanted to mention here your comment about a Warrior of Light.
Yes, it is interesting that there is someone with that little soul and a huge EGO who marks every answer down, but there is nothing we can do about it, I think.
If there is someone lurking in the darkness that is his punishment, Darkness I mean.
My name means Double Light and I hope at some point I will be able to return to writing about names.
Light is a concept in naming children, in every language there is at least one name that MEANS light.
Am I a Warrior of Light?
Maybe.
I might be just a carrier, a bearer or just simply the Light, the enLIGHTment. Who knows?
Let me swim in those waters first, in the water of cleanliness, cleansing, re-birth, re-surrection, re-surfacing.
Let me re-discover myself.
Before I can write again...
Maybe that is what I should become - a Warrioress of Light.
Thank you kallini.
I though you mentioned a book, in one of your comments....I am blonde and I am now having a moment please excuse me:)
jenubouka, if I mentioned anything, it might be "42" - it is not a book, not yet, but the collection of my hubs/articles, and there is one character Majadez - who promised to compile it, including pictures, songs, and everything...
I thought it was a very cool concept.
Anyway, maybe one day.
I cannot even move on to the second part of his hub "The Hub Queen of Narcissism". Well, I have to outwait my emotional storms.
One day, one day...
Thank you for being a reader and thank you for your patience again and again.
Skiffer Level 1 Commenter 4 months ago
Gotta say I loved this post. Happy one year anniversary -
Loved your line - "Am I good enough? For what? For whom?" It could be just me over rationalizing, but I see too many dimensions this could take on - and I can relate very well with my own self doubt questioning as we begin a new year.