Online Dating: Going To The Moon

... distance. I met “Mein Lieber A.” online and we communicated for four months before we met in person. I never believed we would meet in real life, but we did. I liked him a lot and I told him immediately that it was no good. Until my infatuation subsided, it was not safe seeing him. I knew I could fall in love with him too easily and I told him so. Just like that. He was intelligent, charming and detached. We continued to communicate and plan to meet and every time he pulled “The Disappearing Act”. “Let’s meet next week” he would say and there would be silence this week, next week and the week after… At one time I was so mad, I wanted to send him an angry e-mail, but I did not and it was a lucky escape because at that particular time he actually had a good excuse, his father was taken seriously ill. We continued communicating online until he deleted me from his universe. A press of a button, all it took…

However, having met enough people and men in particular, I noticed that there is a tendency for them to return. One of the characters I might write about later to my line “you know where to find me” said:

I found you already

There is no return

To a place or time where it is not so

(M. The Philosopher, The Question Mark)

So, according to my new theory “The Point of Return”, “Mein Lieber A.” will keep disappearing and coming back, like ebbs and tides. I think Zouk music would suit those moods and movements, it is very wave like. Important detail, ebbs and tides are related to the lunar cycles.

After deleting me, he came back. We met each other on LavaLife in June 2009 and last September I was there from time to time when I felt so frustrated that talking to someone was always better than talking to no one no matter how inane or insane conversations could be. Most of them were. That was where “Mein Lieber A.” resurfaced.

I don’t remember what I told him. “To get lost”. Not like that, but something about me not caring one way or the other about what he thought, felt or did… Anyway, I think it was clear that I was not pleased with his insensitivity.

He got the point and got lost. But then I kept wondering why I was so rude. What did it say about me? I was not happy with myself. So I apologized. How typical of me.

I wrote:

I think I was slightly passive-aggressive last time when we spoke on Lava, this is my thing these days, it had nothing to do with you.

Not that I really owe you an apology, but it really drives me insane when you say that I want something from you. I told you so many times I never wanted anything from you but friendship. Why it scares you so much it is still beyond me, but believe me I have no time for analyzing other people's problems. I have too many of my own. LOL.

I hope you are doing fine, darling.

Take care,

Mein Lieber A.:

Darling, do not feel or even think that I am thinking that you want something - I think I am beyond that now. It has been so long since we last chatted and I saw you online and I wanted to say hello. I was not offended at all nor do I think you owed me an apology -- it's all good. I would still want your friendship and I should make more of a concerted effort to even meet with you for a coffee or something at least. So please do not analyze me, I have someone for that. :-)

I too hope you're doing well my dear.

Ciao ciao

I wrote:

BTW, if you want to talk, why have you deleted me from your MSN?

Mein Lieber A.:

we weren't talking so i did...not into virtual stuff anymore. i want the real deal.

What do you want or desire or wish?

Then the communication process picked up on its own. I don’t know why I wrote like that. Sometimes I do. I might wish for things that I think are just impossible, yet there is no harm in expressing thoughts the way they are. But when I came back to this e-mail I was surprised. That is the beauty of writing, it allows us to keep in touch with the stages of thinking and life, our memory is not so reliable after all.

I wrote:

[I desire…]

Love,
happiness,
understanding,
having people I can relate & talk to (I am so tired of not fitting in)
freedom of being myself

I want to be a professional dancer (that is not happening)

being able to sing & play piano (piano is not happening either)

have a career & money that give freedom (is it possible?)

have another child (hardly possible)

Fight for your dreams, and your dreams will fight for you
// Lucha por tus sueños y tus sueños lucharán por ti (Paulo Coelho)


Fighting is hardly my dream, but I guess I have to...be "luchadora por la libertad" (fighter for freedom)

I think it was hardly what you had in mind, when you asked. Oh, well... That's me.


What about you?

Mein Lieber A.:

a wise man once said, "It is the wise who win before they fight and the ignorant who fight to win." I believe you are of the former and I also believe that whether if something is possible or attainable is irrelevant.

"the struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's (woman's) heart" - Albert Camus

[…]

What I have in my mind is to to able to communicate with you, leave me one word answer or an essay, it doesn't really matter - communication is the key.

Maybe I will stop hiding and I will meet with you once again.

I wrote:

I would have said "fair enough", if I really understood what is happening. I don't. Something must have changed.

You are talking about "a real deal" whatever that means, but in reality you substitute MSN with the ping - pong of e-mails. I don't really see much of a difference.

I was never the wall in our communications, I was the bridge. You pressed the brakes and the mechanism of your hesitation was a mystery to me. Maybe it was my fault, I talked too much non-sense. But it is just my style as a compensation for being too serious.

I changed too. I stopped resisting. I surrendered on all fronts and it feels different, it is easier. I am neither wise nor ignorant -- I am human. I make mistakes and I learn, very slowly, by the way.

What makes you willing to communicate now?

Mein Lieber A.:

Bella, I am not blaming anyone so I don't understand why you need to justify your actions if there is any justification at all required. I accept full responsibility for my actions and I know what I did.

I started chatting with you again because as I was going through old emails I came across on of yours and remembered the nice feeling I had of you...I don't know why I stopped communication with you - maybe I was being just plain lazy and indifferent which is often easy to do.

I too am trying to surrender and to put more trust into my own life and journey, maybe this is the reason why I talking with you again. Is it a mistake, I don't think so. I just think you're very smart and beautiful and I enjoy you as a very lovely woman.

I wrote:

Let's take it step by step then.

You say communication is key and I say communication is only a means. The key in communication is?

I am not into blame-shifting at all. Whatever you did, whatever I said, it is not important anymore. You were indifferent, I was insane, and I am sure we are pretty much the same. Maybe not. When you said "hello" on Lava, I was shutting the whole world off - literally. You are right to a point - I put up walls and I destroyed them at the same time. If the world does not respond to me on the same level, I just keep going on my own - no fighting for anything I could not attain. If I am not being welcome, understood, supported, if I am too insane, too intense, too much for people, should I fight for acceptance?

And I don't know how much your analytical mind interferes with your existence, but for me -- thinking, analyzing, questioning is essential - it is simply who I am (partially).

I know you are joking (probably not entirely joking) about us making love. You know many "passionate" and "good lovers" I met? ZERO. I think, I am done. Every man says he is a good lover, and then he cannot get it up. Well, that can be understood, but this limp feeling as a substitute for passion? It is exhausting.

Does it make any sense to you?

Mein Lieber A.:

You always make sense when you write to me. Actually I always look forward to receiving emails from you too, I don't know why though.

[…]

I admit that I am attracted to you, to what end, I have no clue -- it maybe a physical / intellectual level but time will tell. I know I never attempted to try anything with you, partly it had to do with being ambivalent, but maybe I should have just let that feeling go - it never got me anywhere.

So, looking forward to hearing from your next email.

Ciao

I wrote:

Darling, you slightly missed the point.

I did not question whether you are a good lover. I always trust myself more than others and if I wanted an objective opinion on that matter, I do believe you would have given me at least one chance, would you not? LOL. Other ladies' opinions do not count. We are so insincere to others. Do you think I have ever said to my partners, "OMG, you are terrible?" Well, I did not. I am not the type who aims below the belt. And when I say "I am done" with love, lovers & passion, that is an exaggeration, too.

By the way, if you will share the opinion of your doctor about you, I would be inclined to believe it more. Even though all doctors are not created equal. A friend of mine spent 10 years in therapy and I don't really see why it takes so long to get from the complete impasse to a better life. Making changes is difficult, but doable given the knowledge of your major shortcomings and motivation to overcome them. She just resists so much, it is unbelievable. I wish I met my doctor ten years ago.

The question was what is the key in communication. The key is understanding and it is not easily achieved.

The other day I was in the elevator and a woman comes in all dressed up. I asked her "What is the occasion?" "I'm going to a wedding", - she said. "How sad", - me being slightly in playful - sarcastic mood. "Yes, thank you, it's nice", - she said. That is what I call communication. A classic.

Do you ever check if you are being heard? That is one of the reasons I pay attention to what is being said. Verbal diarrhea drives me insane. It is actually a disease of duality

"verbal diarrhea & mental constipation combined".

Don't take it, as if I am talking about you. People are as good lovers as they are good communicators. It is simply easier to check the effectiveness of communication than sexual performance. Same goes for learning, it is not the amount of time you spent sitting on your bum studying or the amount of material you memorize and can effectively parrot, it is the same bloody thing - understanding.

So, coming back to the keywords. To me the keywords in what you have expressed so far are "maybe & I don't know". To me, everything that is not a "yes" is a "no". "Maybe I will come out..." No, you won't until you know that you really want to. Then it becomes effortless. Otherwise it is a chore. No, I am not offended that you don't know how you feel about me, you don't have to feel anything. We are just orbiting different planets and occasionally get in the view of each other and are fascinated by the sight. Part of the attraction is that we are not able to breach the gap. Moon is so beautiful from the distance, but up close?

I don't know...

Mein Lieber A.:

I would love to go the Moon and maybe if it ever happens you can accompany. Also, my doctor thinks I am a fucking asshole!

I wrote:

At least you made me laugh.

From that stand point, we all are assholes. I'd rather use the Art of Reframing - we are not assholes, we have them. They are not definitive or it depends on the point of view (literally). If we did not have them it would be much worse. You don't want all that crap coming out of your mouth, do you? So, relax :)))))

Doctors are supposed to be empathetic, at least mine is. He believes in me more than my parents ever did. Or my ex. Or I. No, seriously, does he help you at all? Or do you resist him as well?

Drop your "maybes" and go to that Moon already. Buy a ticket...

We met on September 23, 2010, the day/night of Fool Moon. Today is the 4^th Fool Moon since our “Trip to the Moon”, but it is not the number of months or Moons that has passed that is significant. He approached me after I stopped approaching him and asked to meet him. This week. Then he disappeared. Is it the stars? The Moon? The Sun?

I might ask M. The Philosopher who has the same tendency to disappear and reappear what is the reason for this phenomenon. M. being a Lunar Child (a Cancer) might be more attuned to the Lunar cycles or slightly better equipped to provide ridiculous explanations. I should have been on a Moon Trip with M. the Philosopher, but instead he took me to listen to our Wedding Bells. Are you wondering what this is all about? But that is another story…